Recently I was asked "How do you always seem to have it together. You appear calm, confident and put together all the time".
As a mother of two little girls, a wife, a homemaker, a emergency nurse and an entrepreneur, I wear a lot of different hats and the truth is....I don't always have my "shit" together!
Some days my kids need me from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed. I'm feeding them, entertaining them, doing copious amounts of laundry, driving them places and cleaning up the tornado of destruction they leave behind. Some days Londyn is sick and those days are really tough. She needs me even more. Even though I have a nursing background, that means nothing when your child is sick. Your mom brain is in charge and it's hard to think like a nurse. Some days my kids drive me crazy!!! I mean really crazy to the point where I need to lock myself in the bathroom and cry, just for a minute to get it out. I rarely get to shower on my own, shaving my legs is a thing of the past, my make up routine (if you can call it that) is truly whatever is the quickest to apply which usually means mascara and that's it. I've come to accept that luke warm coffee isn't that terrible and it still has caffeine. Cooking dinner is my least favorite part of the day. By 5:00 my kids are tired, hungry, and grumpy. We call the hours between 4-6 in our house the Witching Hour. It can be very challenging to be creative with cooking when there are so many restrictions. We eat a plant based diet, which actually isn't that hard, but then Londyn is allergic to eggs, peanuts, dairy and gluten. To be honest they usually end up eating spaghetti of some form and then I quickly throw together a salad for Shane and I.
Days that I'm at the hospital are very different. I wake up at 5:45, the house is quiet. I get a long shower by myself, I make a hot cup of coffee and savor every sip before I put on my green scrubs. While to most people it would seem I'm just getting dressed, to any other nurse they know I'm actually putting on my shield too. This green uniform is my layer of protection, and once wearing it, I'm changed. I get into my car and drive to the hospital listening to the radio, trying to focus on the nonsense of the early morning shows. All I'm really thinking is, what will I see today, how many people will need me today, how many IV's will I start, will I get a chance to have a break to eat, will I save someone's life, will anyone lose their life....As I'm thinking these things my brain is already changed. I'm in nurse mode now. I get to work and I'm thrilled to be with my co-workers, my work family, some of my very best friends. The truth is, no one understands me and what it's like better than they do. To anyone else I may seem harsh when I'm at work, like I have an edge and lack of patience. The truth is, I have to be like that. I have to have an edge, be on my game, alert and aware all the time. So when an emergency room is short with you and maybe doesn't show empathy for your 117th belly pain visit or has a look of disgust when you vomit all over the floor while holding a vomit bag...there's a reason why. We have about 100 things going on in our brains at once, we are thinking about the woman who just lost her baby at 19 weeks along, we have at least 5 other patients that need our help too, we haven't had a chance to eat and our bladder is likely full because who has time to pee! This is real guys, this is my life at work. But when I'm at work, there's this part of me that loves it. When I'm a nurse I feel confident, smart, respected, trusted and focused. I like that feeling. It lasts about 8 hours and then at the end of my shift, I'm completely exhausted but know that as soon as I take my green layer off, I then have to put my mom face on. I have to get into the car, put all the pieces of the day in a box and move it to the back of my brain. I have to do that because if I don't then the events of the day flood out and I'm unable to be a good mom, wife and friend.
On the days I'm not nursing, I'm now getting to do something amazing and I get to be an entrepreneur! I would have never thought starting my own business was something I would want to do. The starting of Essentials was really just a hobby and I didn't ever think it would amount to much. In the nine months since I started it, the growth has been so amazing. To be honest, it's overwhelming. I want it to be successful and because I enjoy it so much, I want to focus all my time and effort on it. Unfortunately that isn't always possible. I usually get to answer my emails first thing in the morning when my kids are eating breakfast and haven't started needing me too much. (Only because they are too busy eating) I try to be as present on social media as possible because I know that will help my business grow but that's challenging too. I don't want my girls to think I'm constantly on the phone and not as present for them as I need to be. I feel like I spend hours in the vehicle everyday! Driving the girls from place to place, checking in on stores that carry product, meeting potential customers or people interested in collaborating, running errands for the house, picking up orders and dropping off orders. Sometimes I get discouraged. This is all so new to me and so much work. I don't feel as confident as I do when I'm nursing because I don't have that team behind me, supporting me. I doubt myself and constantly ask myself why the heck I'm doing this. But then I get an email from someone that bought my product and love it. A mom reaches out to me on Facebook and says my Eczema oil is the only thing that has helped her little one. I look at Instagram and I see someone has tagged me in a post because they love my skincare products. That's what keeps me going. I'm not doing this just to sell a bunch of product. I want to help people heal themselves naturally. I want to encourage healthy living and promote wellness.
So the answer is...I don't actually have it all together. I am human. I have good days and bad days. Some days I laugh a lot, some days I yell at my kids and then feel guilty, some days I cry, some days I want to stay in bed and hide under the covers. This is real, this is me and my life. But I wouldn't have it any other way.